The Hawk-Mo Hotwire

Micro Entrepreneurism, Simple Living & Art

its ok

no matter how much i prepare myself. no matter how much i say that i will learn from my previous experiences. no matter how much i want to be able to believe in others the same way i know people can believe in me. no matter how much i know whats real and whats not. im still not ready for it.

im not blindsided. not broken. im defeated.

more and more i want to put my trust in the world. not the World with a capital “W” but my world. living life all locked up inside is certainly a safe place to be. one that i was quite happy to be in for a long time. and then i began to realize that i no longer liked the separation between my private self and my public self. it felt fake. it felt unreal. and im not interested in unreal. and so i started on the journey of bringing my different selves together. it meant a lot more honest moments, honest conversations, honest thoughts, and honest feelings. its not easy, its definitely not comfortable, its not safe, but its good for me, and its good for my world.

the defeated feeling comes when i realize that this honesty isn’t reciprocated or appreciated.

i have been honest with others, and i thought i had a good handle on their honesty with me, but i wasn’t honest with myself because i didn’t want to be. because for a while, it was easier not to be. and then it became too hard not to be.

the defeated now is worth the lesson learned for next time.

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About mudly

Mud is main blog writer extraordinaire, picture guru, and the garden and adventure instigator. She loves to cook, but doesn’t much like following a recipe. She also loves typewriters, the color turquoise, and wearing tie dye with stripes. And she dorks out on permies.com while dreaming up and planning her next garden.

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This entry was posted on January 1, 2009 by in Everything All in One Place and tagged , , , , , , , , .

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