The Hawk-Mo Hotwire

Micro Entrepreneurism, Simple Living & Art

what are we choosing?

When I look at my current life path and I make a decision, am I making it for the certainty or the uncertainty? Am I choosing to do something because I’m afraid not to, or I am choosing to do it because I’m afraid to do it?

Obviously being afraid to do it is the more respectable reason (the one inspirational speakers and books and friends tell us to look past, risk it, challenge ourselves), its the one I want to say has the most influence, but its hard for me to make that call with any certainty. Its subjective. Often times I feel like I can defend it either way. Depends only on my state of mind… Am I kickin’ ass or runnin’ for cover.

Right now, the boyfriend situation comes to mind. At first, I was a little hesitant to believe, a little afraid of getting my feelings hurt, but it was easy to look past that when he says and does all the right things. I chose what I was afraid of, and I chose uncertainty. Fast forward 4 months, the “honeymoon” days are over, and quite suddenly I’m more scared. But now I’m more scared of letting go, and I’m more scared to keep investing. I’m not sure what I’m choosing, or why I’m choosing it. Uncertainty was unavoidable. Fast forward again to today, another 2 months later, and the fear is less intense. It sits in me like a dull roar. In a way, I’m afraid to stop believing because that seems like the easy way out. Indifference hardly feels like the noble choice. And yet, I’m also afraid that I’m hanging on to nothing. Unable to let go of something that isn’t even really there. Afraid to call it done. Over.

How do I decide which fear is stronger? And therefore the fear I should stare down? This is when its not that simple. Sometimes its an obvious choice between staying on the path you’re on and risking the uncertainty of a different one. Other times I think it ends up being just as much about trust and faith as it is about what we’re afraid of. So if you let faith and fear dance together, which one are you going to let lead?

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About mudly

Mud is main blog writer extraordinaire, picture guru, and the garden and adventure instigator. She loves to cook, but doesn’t much like following a recipe. She also loves typewriters, the color turquoise, and wearing tie dye with stripes. And she dorks out on permies.com while dreaming up and planning her next garden.

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This entry was posted on March 6, 2010 by in Everything All in One Place and tagged , , .

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